New Friends, New Life

How does it feel to be apart from your partner? How does it feel when your partner has a new job? New friends? New life? Totally different from that you once shared, totally different from yours. Distance bars you from sharing it.

These past few days have been periods of deep thinking. Every time the routine changes, everytime i expect a text or a call and it doesn't come, it makes me think why, i struggle to find excuses, find answers. I draw strength from the commitment we have but fear creeps in and i struggle to overcome it with trust and faith. Trust that he loves me enough and trust that he will hold true with our commitment despite the distance.

Today was a particularly bad day. I slept late last night, it was raining hard and i was not able to watch my telenovelas as the lightning might zonk out the tv. I woke up with cramps and bleeding and i remembered i had run out of vitamins since yesterday. I know i have to drink the good brand but it is too expensive for my budget right now. These past few days have been extremely physically and emotionally exhausting. Many times my need comes last and i only remember when my body complains.

Blood started pouring down my legs when i was in the bath and i thought that perhaps today, i should put myself first and go see the doctor. Though it was conflicting with my belief that i was being healed by God and Mama Mary thru the healing sessions we went to. Is this a problem or a healing cleansing i was going thru? Think think think. Well, I'd better just go to the doctor, this was no ordinary thing i was feeling.

I called him while waiting for the bus and he answered on the 4th call. Perhaps jealousy just started rearing its ugly horns when i heard them teasing and laughing and i was not a part of it. He had one friend talk to me and i heard her teasing me and i didn't feel like answering, we were not friends anyway. I felt miserable but i felt ashamed that i didn't share with something he probably wanted me to share in. How do i expect him to understand that i could not share in all their fun and laughter when i was trying to hold in my tummy to stop the pain enough to make me last until i reach the doctor.

I told him to be careful. Once before, he told me he had difficulty saying no and being direct. I just wanted to remind him that. Some people think you are available for anything when they see you open, fun and game to things they ask you to do and things they say. It is always better to keep distant; not aloof just distant.

Anyway, as i sit here waiting for the doctor and trying to make sure my blood doesn't stain these new chairs, i wonder what he feels about me now. Does he think about how i am? Can he emphatize or am i just a burden to his new life? I have to control myself and not be a burden to him, let him do what he wants to do and trust that he will not do anything that will be a threat to us. We have gone thru so much and it should not be for nothing.

Gotta go. It's probably near my turn already. How lonely i feel. I lift myself up and ask God, Mama Mary and my angels to come with me, I have no one else beside me now.